An Anonymous Story

I’ve dealt with death my entire life. Both of my best friends from grade school passed away tragically and suddenly. My best friend during my middle school and early high school years overdosed after going off to college. My cousin killed himself after years and years trying to battle his own psychosis.
A couple of these tragic deaths happened after we lost touch, but the hurt still remains, as if I continue to see their faces every day. Nightmares of my closest loved ones dying are a weekly occurrence. I don’t let anyone in anymore because I fear it only makes me more vulnerable. I find reasons to validate my own cynicism rather than try to defeat it.
I drink too much for my own liking. It's then that I don't fear any consequence. It leads me to say things and do things I truly don't mean. Relationships have been broken because of this, and my guilt is insurmountable. This is more a stream of consciousness than a singular story. My mind works in fragments when discussing some personal and deep issues. Maybe it's just a another defense mechanism that keeps me from truly diving deep into my mind. If I jump from one to the next I don't have to "focus" on a specific event. One day I will get there, this is a start.
Thank you. I love you.

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