I was hesitant about sharing my story, though it’s one I’ve told many times. But as of last week, I had a very good friend kill himself and it has wrecked me to the core... so here goes ... it’s a long one so my apologies.
I have been through a heck of a lot in the last 14 years and more recently the last 7 years.
I was bullied from the age of 12 for being “fat”. I was 135lbs & 5’7 at 12... so I started to starve myself. It got worse in 8th grade. I was bullied DAILY by my “friends” and boys in my classes. I was called a cow, I was moo’ed at in the hall, left cow toys on my desks & had my yearbook signed in multiple places calling me a cow and “moooooooooo” left everywhere. I was fed up and started starving myself more and cutting myself. I had planned my suicide in multiple ways.
I never did follow through. When I got to high school, it got better but I still was hopeless and not eating enough. I went to Jesus camp in summer 08 with some friends I grew up with and my life changed. I stopped feeling hopeless and wanting to die. I started following the Lord and gave my life to Him.
I decided to go to a college in a different state for a fresh start & it was 100% the wrong choice for me but I didn’t care at the time. I turned to drugs and alcohol to make friends. Don’t get me wrong, as we grew up they became my best friends but while a freshman and sophomore in college, it was a bad choice. I was so depressed freshman year that I was blacked out drunk every day, puking.
& then it got worse... the day we moved back into our dorms sophomore year... I was drunk and was raped by a boy I had known and made out with the year before. I couldn’t stand to be at that school anymore so I moved home.
I was then raped 4 more times in the span of 5 years all by people I knew.
The last one was in 2016 and what I thought was the lowest point in my life. I was wrong.
I became numb to everything between ‘16-‘17. I was self harming and starving myself again. I pushed off dealing with all 5 rapes for so long. It became too much in the summer/fall of 2017 & I broke down.
My EMT/PARAMEDIC boss was the man that saved my life in November of 2017. I was all alone while my family was on vacation and I called him saying I wanted to die or be committed because I was scared I would do it. He put me in touch with the most fabulous therapist and collectively they saved my life.
It took my boss dying this April and my friend killing himself last week to realize that there was no way that I ever want to make my family and friends feel the way that I have the last week and months following their deaths. I have been self harm free for a year & work daily on my appetite and making sure I eat enough good wholesome foods. I workout & Powerlifter to suffice the craving I get to be starving & sad & it’s proven to be so good for my mind.
We ALL Matter. Every. Single. One.